'All the same we take our chances
Laughed at by time, tricked by circumstances
Plus ca change...plus c'est la meme chose
The more that things change...the more they stay the same' - from "Circumstances" by Rush
...the more they stay the same.
It is coming close to 2 years since I started this blog. As is usual for me with all anniversaries, birthdays, and the like, I am troubled with the very heavy and very true realisation that over this period, little has changed. By that, I mean I have changed little.
Plenty has happened, for sure. Accomplishments, milestones & promotions at work, new friends made, old friends lost, new places seen, new things discovered, new highs, new (and sometimes the old) lows, new things purchased, old things given away, body art, new sounds, new music discovered, old music rediscovered, a love of whisky (single-malt) rekindled, a love of rum left to burn to embers, a new country that I am a citizen of, the old one I call home that I'll now need a visa for, a change of passports, a change of seasons...
I could goes on.
And in the midst of this change, there is me. The only constant amid the constant change.
I still stumble along awkwardly, worrying about how things will be. I still make the same mistakes over and over again. I still worry about whether people really like or not. I'm still no closer to buying a house than i was 2 years ago. I'm still no good with personal finances (which is fucking hilarious since I'm a Finance major), I still can't understand women, and have no idea if I'll ever be in a relationship that will go somewhere.
Sometimes I think I'm still the same scared little shit I was when I was 18, and I lost my mother, and I was even afraid to wonder what was going to happen to me.
That was 10 years ago, and I turned out OK, but there's still this thing, this nagging thought, this voice inside my head, that keeps reminding me that there's more to life than what I've got now, after all this. And maybe I could even get it, if I'd only get off my ass and do something about it, and not be content watching all the world pass me by.
I feel like I've failed. In the big contest that is life, I feel like I've failed. Stupid really, considering all I've got.
I have no idea how this is going to end. Perhaps I'll always feel this way. Perhaps it will motivate me to truly accomplish something in my life. Perhaps not.
Maybe I'll crash and burn. Or maybe I'll slowly fade away, into an ordinary-meaningless- suburban- potbellied-two-kids-and-a-nagging-wife life, leaving behind me a legacy of digital words and failed, faded dreams.
I have no idea how this is going to end. All the same, I, and the scared little boy inside me, we take our chances...
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6 comments:
Some are scared. Some are too stupid to be scared.
But as in Kuruthipunal - "Veeram-na enna theriyuma? Bayam illatha-mathiri nadikkirathu than" :o)..
In other news, a cat's lost its freedom.
We all have a lot of fear inside us, its just that some of us dont recognise or maybe acknowledge the fear till we have to face it...
I dunno... known you a few years...I KNOW you have changed..
Women, they will come and they will go....... :P
People are complicated baby, PEOPLE are difficult to understand...and I guess in a relationshup even more so.. What I have realised is that when one doesnt look for it, is when happiness in that department shoots you between the eyes!!
I know you see people around you buying houses, and feel like you havent achieved anything cuz you dont have a house, but maybe you arent ready for it yet, in which case it would be a mistake to buy one.
You will know, when a house is a priority, trust me....
Ditto about personal finances...maybe a part of you still wants to be carefree, which is fair enough...since your debauchery is supported entirely by you...whodafuckcares??
And in the end, all I would like to say is, Party on, and do the stuff you like...not the stuff you are "Supposed" to do...
And remember if nothing else, you and I can get married, and get pot bellied together..though........I might be getting married sometime mid 2008 if all goes well....
oh..and I luv ya!!
I don't think having two kids is an ordinary or meaningless life because you'll always be very meaningful in your kids lives. Nagging wife? Good luck finding a non-nagging one (they don't exist... buahahahaha). But if you want to go off into the sunset and find a cure for cancer or something, go for your life! Now please go leave comment on my blog!
Rael me old pal....things stay the same across time and across people as well. Turns out, your sentiments echo mine. 7 years of living life on my terms have gotten me a PhD but little wisdom, a job but no sign of a career, a cool sports sedan that i'm too pussy to speed with, and even some "girly action" without satisfaction! I'll be 29 in a couple of weeks, trudging along inexorably and drearily towards the big 3-0...heh, i remember being scared of turning 20! And as you so eloquently expressed in your post, everything changed around me, except me. I've been told that time has blunted my sharp tongue and mellowed my quick temper....I suppose that's change for the better. If only I could kid myself the way I do others...I'm still the same insecure, socially-challenged kid who's afraid to be alone with only one other person to talk to. In all the years since I first met you, you are one of 5 people in the world that I'd enjoy one-on-one conversation with...might not mean much to be a member of that exclusive club, but I wouldn't want to join any other club that would have me as a member!
I must say your desire to purchase a house is possibly tied to your sublimated desire to mate...after all, how different are any of us from a Bower bird aside from a chromosome here and there! It might explain why I went to great lengths to color-coordinate my apartment decor and I now have this useless thing on my table called "pot pourri"....
"[Thou] hath more hair than wit, and more faults than hairs, and more wealth than faults."
http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker/index.html?
Thought you might like that ;-)
ooh wee...comments are longer than the post! nothing more to say... except NEXT POST PLEASE :)
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